HyperFutbolPatriocidosis a.k.a HFPadosis

[high-pur-foot-bahl-pay-tree-oh-si-doh-sis] or HFPadosis [H-Eff-puh-doh-sis] - can infect any person of any age or gender. Initial studies link the Love of one's country of origin, futbol (soccer) and the kinship of fellow countrymen to the early onset of HFPadosis. However, the infection is not limited to country of origin as infections have been known to spread to non-familial significant others. HFPadosis presents symptoms in both positive and negative fashions.

Symptoms

Positive symptoms

  • Colors on face, sometimes accompanied by shapes - a flag painted on anyone's face brings civility to all.
  • Desire to hug complete strangers - even though you prefer a bent elbow radius of space, the guy next you, it's his lucky day. If you plan it right you can even do the high school chearleader jumping up and down hug.
  • Awkaward Hi-Fives - you make eye-contact, they're three rows up. Doesn't matter, you've earned that palm to fingertip high five.
  • Grown-up tears - they taste like simple syrup and morning sunlight on the day you first experienced love
  • Involuntary profanities - "We &^$!ing did it! #$%^ Yes!!!"
  • Inability to see any infringement committed by your side - "Nope, not even close to offside. Clear as day. Ref got it right."
  • Not having to have 'the talk' with your kids - "We &^$!ing did it!!!" Mom shouts.
  • Scarves in summer
  • Utter joy

Negative symptoms

  • Hands covering mouth - "How'd we miss?"
  • Hands on top of head - "Not again!"
  • Grown-up tears - they taste like muffler smoke and chew like muddy sand
  • Involuntary groans and profanities - "are you !$^#ing kidding me..." <dryheave>handsonknees</dryheave>
  • Ability to see every infringement made against your side - "that was offside. I'm on the other side of the stadium and I could clearly see that they were a shoelace off"
  • Forced to have the talk with your kids - "sometimes Jimmy, the world just doesn't work out the way it's supposed to. Now, now, don't cry." Dad says with tears streaming down his face.
  • Utter despair

Treatments and cure

There is no known cure.

Once HFPadosis is contracted it remains with the individual for life and is often passed down to following generations. The best course of action is Acceptance and Indulgence. If, after acceptance and indulgence, the symptoms start to dicipate, you were most likely stricken with a common bout of fairweatherfanaticus*.

*If this is the case, do not mingle, associate or make eye contact with someone infected by HFPadosis. They are likely to discount your existence and may move beyond passivity and straight into aggressiveness. Your best course of action is to pretend that you never cared at all and you wore those colors because they really highlight your eyes.

Lasting Effects

Scarring

It is not uncommon for HFPadosis to leave scars that may last a lifetime. Glory always comes at the price of another and you hope that the hand from the heavens never touches you.

Post Dramatic Reasoning Disorder

This is also known as Second Guessing Syndrome and surfaces when you are on the wrong side of victory. Those with HFPadosis are prone to bouts of question fragments clouding their everyday thinking - 'why didn't we', 'we should have', 'why did they pass', 'why didn't they pass'... Like a referee correctly letting the advantage play out, you should do the same. Accept and indulge, unless you are driving or responsible for another's well-being. Post Dramatic Reasoning Disorder is often mitigated in the short term by... Atleastwe Moments

Atleastwe Moments

HFPadosis, although mostly painful, does offer some respite. Moments of brilliance can fall upon the most downtrodden: a first goal, a victory over a power, surviving a group. When all is said and done, those with HFPadosis can always look back to a past victory or highlight to salve the wounds. The taste is mostly bland, but if you put a positive spin on your Post Dramatic Reasoning Disorder and mix in a smidgen of Atleastwe Moments, nothing can stop you next time!

Champions

There are only 8 and we know and they know that they will always have this claim, but don't think for one moment that your HFPadosis runs any deeper than anyone else. Ever.

We're here to help:

We have pre-written excuse notes to send to your boss or significant other explaining your condition.